Click here for Women seeking men personals I’m a Little Startled by the New Reaction I’m Getting From Women. I’m a straight male “freshly” out of a long-term relationship. We started separating over a year ago, but continued to live together. Pandemic, etc. We also thought about co-parenting our young daughter while living together. It wasn’t awful, but even with therapy, the problems that led to our relationship ending persisted. But now I’m finally on my way to a new place that I will have completely to myself 50 percent of the time. Leased signed, movers booked. Custody sorted, completely on the same page with my kid’s mom on all things co-parenting. I still get sad at times, and it’s not all peaches and gravy, but I’m honestly looking forward to the future. And quite hopeful. All this to say, I’m very ready to meet some women and have some fun. I’ve actually started that, and that’s what I’m looking for help with. Not with meeting people—I’ve had surprising success meeting people on the dating apps, have had an introduction to a mutual friend in a similar situation, and have even reconnected with an old college classmate and an ex-girlfriend. Please believe that this isn’t a humble brag. I’m legitimately surprised. I’ve only been in a handful of relationships in my life, and most of them were short. Sex was an important part of all of those, but I’ve also had years-long dry spells. Casual sex has never been a part of my life. I guess I’m more attractive pushing 40 than I was in my 20s and 30s? I really thought I’d have a much harder time meeting somebody, never mind multiple people. I’ve never dated more than one woman at a time before. And I may be putting the cart before the horse here, but now I’m in a situation where it’s possible and I’m considering it. More than that—I want to do that. I think. So I guess my questions are: What should I be telling the women I’m talking to and/or dating, and when? How do I know if I’m really not interested in a monogamous relationship, or if all this attention is just going to my head? Part of me feels like I’ve been conditioned to want a monogamous relationship, but another part of me wants to keep things completely casual, and not even commit myself to one person. That’s very exciting to me, but it also feels selfish. I can be a real people pleaser, and the thought of potentially hurting people by putting myself first like this gives me great pause. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. —To Be (Committed) or Not to Be. Dear To Be, Take some time to think. For some people, that’s taking a long shower or a walk, for others, that’s journaling for more than 30 minutes or making a list, and for still more that means talking through it with a friend who you can trust to give you real feedback. Maybe you use more than one method. What do you want out of your sexual relationships at this time in your life? What are you willing and able to put in? Do these two things seem balanced to you? Ask yourself why every step of the way: Why do I want this? Why do I feel “selfish”? Why do I have this boundary? Why do I need this particular thing? Once you’ve got an idea of what you want, communicate that as early as seems appropriate. The ideal timing will be different with every potential partner, but should be done before you have a significant amount of sexual contact—not necessarily before the first kiss, but definitely before the first orgasm. If she brings up relationship structure desires or needs, that’s a cue to share your own wants and boundaries. If the person seems to be very presumptive of monogamy as the default, you’ll want to be extra clear at an earlier time. As a self-described people pleaser, this last part might be a struggle for you—in my experience, people pleasers are sensitive when they perceive a person to be mad at them. People might get upset. They might judge you. They might even yell at you. They might have assumed interest in monogamy—what they think of as “normal”—and take their confusion or disappointment out on you. Their paint-by-numbers ideas of what relationships are supposed to be aren’t your fault, or responsibility, but it can be difficult to experience the anger that sometimes gets directed at people who live outside that script. Remember that you can walk away from a conversation at any time, that there is no one right way to do relationships or sex, and that you can fall back on all that introspection you’ve done when you’re second-guessing your motivations. Dear How to Do It, I’m a woman who recently started dating a good friend of mine. We’re both in our 20s. He’s been my only sexual partner ever, although he had several before me. We are a great fit in (almost!) every way, and the sex is great. I’d always thought I was a little kinky, and I was excited to explore my sexuality. Women seeking men nova Man seeking woman ads Man seeking woman on craigslist Woman seeking man for marriage Women seeking men in personal
